Had another one o' those Single's night out last Saturday night.

I was supposed to go out with the other members of the Phi Alpha Gamma (PhAG), but one of them couldn't make it because of minor financial constraints. And I didn't feel like going without him. Besides, venzo wanted to bring his boy, and he damn well know I couldn't stand that.

So I messaged Tish and asked her if she had plans. Fortunately none, so we decided to go to makati. Once I got there, tish was with her friends, whom I've never met before. Yey, making new friends. Really posh, just like the place.

The place was crowded, people in costume walking. Reminds you its halloween (as if being single wasn't enough). We were wondering where the costume party was (we learned later, one in Cream(NBC tent in global city I think) and another in Ponti, just near greenbelt). If we went there, this would've happened:

Me: Nice Costume
Stranger: Thanks. What are you supposed to be?
Me: Can't you hear me ticking?
Stranger: No. Should I?
Me: Yeah, coz I'm the Bomb.

We wanted to get drunk, that's why we're there, so we moved to Temple.
">http://www.tabulas.com/private/gallery.php?gallery=editImage&imageid=436086">
Yeah, I dint spend a penny, my friend and her friends turn alcohol altruists when drunk. But I didn't feel tipsy, well, maybe a bit after the second tequila shot. I wanted another blowjob (never sounded right) but I din't want to get drunk.

Being drunk is probably the most uncomfortable feeling ever. Worsen it by the fact that you chose that feeling, at least you chose that which caused that feeling, if you know what I mean. I'm not making any sense. But the thing is, it's like most things in life, you do it without thinking why, later hoping you could find any justification for doing so. You know you're gonna get a headache the next morning, and perhaps puke the following night, but you still do it. empty the bottle, sip, gulp the alcohol… After a while, just when your vision starts blurring, and you see everything in spiral, and you swear like a pig… you'll swear never to drink again. I promised never to drink again.


When's the next party again?

Just finished reading Bridget Jones's Diary. Heartbreaking. Yes, yes, it was a happy ending, and that's the part where my heart shattered (plus the long prelude of painful-singlehood story). I have to say, the film pales in comparison to the book. And interesting fact, the two hunks who starred in the film, Hugh Grant and Colin Firth, were mentioned in the book.

Of course the whole book reminds me constantly about my conversations with charlotte and joweinie. Especially the part when Bridget wrote about how single females (thirty something females actually) and homosexuals are so comfortable with each other, essentially because we are consistent disappointment for our parents, and we are considered as freaks by society. I just got scared with what jowein once told me, that there may be nobody outthere, nobody. nobody.

Is it too much to ask for someone who could just worship us unconditionally?

Anyway, after wallowing, seriously, for minutes, I felt the urge to read another title. I was looking through my shelf, and I realized I ran out of books to read. Shite, this never happened before. Me, experiencing a book-famine, this is unheard of. Called my friend and asked for that book he had that he's been bugging for me to read. I found out it wasn't a book. Comics. That'll do.

Just a thought, I should be having my own relationship. Yes, that would require me to find someone to have it with. But who?

Anyone? No not just anyone. Let's talk about standards.

Well, I have to admit my standards are pretty high. But let's specify anyway.
(in no particular order)
1. Someone who reads books. Reading is my primary interest, and I can't hang with someone without talking about books. So if the guy is illiterate, or is confined with reading textbooks and/or say, the likes of Agatha Cristie (or anyone who releases titles at least five times a year), forget it. He doesn't have to know Franz Kafka. I used to categorize men as either those who know Kafka, and those who don't. The latter don't deserve my time, well, at least that's what I used to think. Now, I'm lifting this requirement out of my list.
2. Someone who can speak good English, and that doesn't only mean through text (SMS, e-mail, friendster message). I want someone who can speak to me in person, and handle his grammar very well. I'm a very expressive person, and I need reactions… and those reactions should be understandable, semantics-plus-diction-wise. I wish I am capable of mental telepathy, I could get rid of this standard, but I'm not, sorry, I have to stick with this high-brow requirement.
3. Someone who could like other men- and know it. I'm done with men testing the extent of their metrosexuality on me. I'm tired of dealing with such issues, goodness, it's emotionally intoxicating, not to say utterly unnecessary.
4. Just like my girl pal jowein, I want someone who doesn't use vowels with umlauts as emoticons. Umlauts are the two dots above vowels used by some European languages. German in particular. Eg: Ü- u umlaut, or Ö- o umlaut.

As of now, that's it.

And don't you talk to me about L*ve- the unmentionable and unwritable word. It has nothing to do with relationships. Besides, people have been unaware, they've entered relationships without it. I will never bring my heart into the foreground, just my body, and my mind, that's all it has to take.

There are a lot of things you realize when you are by yourself, and left thinking about things you do not normally think about when around dozens of people. But I wouldn't want to go to that, it's much too excruciating, even for me, a self-confessed masochist.

Even before, I thought I'm used to being alone, trying to find consolation in solitude. Yes, solitude, the inevitable condition everyone will suffer, no matter what the circumstances are, and no matter how much defenses are built. But no matter how much I prepare myself for it, there's no getting used to being alone. I guess I'm just being human.

But this problem is too conventional, you've probably heard it before, or perhaps experienced yourself. The awful feeling of being exhausted after sleeping for more than ten hours. The uneasy feeling of being a sluggard for too long, when you realize the harsh guilt dawning upon your senses. You feel… nothing, just a cold stone where you're heart used to be.

I want to bury some memories in the sand, just to redeem myself from something I lost. I want to let my thoughts slip away just like the strong wind in the sea, and no one will even notice. Or shatter myself into slivers and let everyone step on me, unknowingly. I want to stay invisible, unseen, concealed.

I do not grieve. I do not hurt. I do not feel. I do not live.

My girl friend and I conjured a sort of pact last night. We promised to find ourselves boyfriends- as in, promise. The question is, how are we supposed to do it?


The problem with me and my friend is that ridiculously high standards get in the way of a potential relationship. I told my friend I'm starting to shed my conservative skin. I have been accused of being contradictory, I mean, I am open with my sexual orientation, and I can't even find myself a boyfriend.


I told my friend, we should have fun. Try to jump into the pit of uncertainty without much internal deliberation, because the awful thing about being smart is you tend to over-analyze even the pettiest things. One thing I learned in the past is not to take everything too seriously. I had all these emotional investments which turned out to be unwarranted. In the end I lost.


What I'm trying to say is that, I can put down my walls and still have fun. That's what I intend to do.

I'll be having my college graduation ceremony on saturday (University grad on sunday, but i won't attend that, i wouldn't dare fry myself under the sun, even if by technicality, i can only be considered a graduate after attending it), and i'm extremely excited.

I'm terribly disappointed at the same time, though. I checked on my average, its 1.47, 0.02 points short of Magna cum laude standing. Magna f*cking Cum Laude man! Sheesh. I'm an a-hole, aint I?


But at least, this A*$hole is graduating. Hah!


-=o0"0o=-

Wherever i am
Whatever i will be

I will shine like a candle
Light my own lustrous fire
I won't be here forever
Soon, I will melt and die

But as long as I glow,
I will enlighten your mind
Light your unbearable darkness
Be your guide